Thoughts on the eve of walk day/mother’s day

May 10, 2009 at 3:34 am (Uncategorized)

Tomorrow I’m doing the Network of Strength Breast Cancer walk downtown.  In my thoughts are my grandmother, and my auntie Carolyn.  My aunt was diagnosed early and the prognosis is good.  My grandmother beat breast cancer after a masectomy (sp?)  but unfortunately passed away last year due to other complications…which leads me to my next topic.

While breast cancer walks and fundraisers are a great thing, this event has made me think of my grandmother quite a bit and I have been focusing on another disease:  addiction.  I have never heard of an addiction fundraiser or a gala to raise money for alcoholics, but this cause has impacted my life greatly and is really important to me.  I am really interested in the causes and effects of addiction, although i have learned first hand all too well.  It has been hard for me to separate people from their disease.  It has been, and still is, a grey area in my mind.  I can’t even tell you how my whole family has been influenced by addiction and what it has done.  It is easy to blame the addicts and say, oh they are just messed up bad people.  But, they aren’t.  I mean, without the alcohol they are good people.  And there is a chemical imbalance in their brain that causes them to become addicted to alcohol or other substances.  However, most – 9/10 to be exact, relapse from a rehab program.  It is so important for me (and others) to remember that it IS a disease.  The DISEASE causes these people to act out in bad ways.  My grandma survived everything life threw at her…and that was a LOT, but ultimately this disease accompanied with an already badly damaged liver from Hep C beat her.  She beat breast cancer, Hep C, Diabetes, 3 marriages, 4 kids, refugee camp in WWII, both siblings dying at an early age, and countless other trials that I don’t even know about.  But she just couldn’t stop drinking.

It’s really a double edged sword when i think about her – she caused my family so much drama and anger and pain, yet she was such a wonderful woman at the same time. I miss her a lot, she as a wonderful maternal figure to me.

I think that sometimes it’s ok to cry when you’re sad – I always try not to because I feel like I’m just gonna totally lose control if I let myself.  But I miss her, and I have wonderful memories and am so thankful that she was one of the “moms” in my life.

Speaking of Mother’s day…I think maybe I am one of the only people in the world that hates this holiday.  It’s so effing complicated for me.  I don’t really like my step mom at all but if I don’t get her a gift or a nice card that says “Happy Mother’s Day” on it, then it will be baaaaaaad.  I don’t consider her to be my mother at all.  And I don’t really like her as a person.  It’s not all bad anymore now that I am older, but she annoys the hell out of me. She treats her animals like children.  I’m not even going into my dissertation on why I can’t stand her, but i definitely don’t consider her my mother.  I don’t have a mom and it feels really weird pretending I do.  I just feel totally out of place like, a jew at a Christmas party.

I should stop my ranting – I have to go to bed now to make sure I get enough sleep so I can get up at the ass-crack of dawn to walk for healthy boobs.


1 Comment

  1. mmmarty said,

    hey there! came across ur blog randomly! So interesting! Hope the walk went well! In South Africa we wear pink ribbons to show solidarity with those who have breast cancer. Do you do that in your country as well?


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