Ch ch ch ch changes…..

August 30, 2009 at 7:24 am (Uncategorized) ()

I’m not gonna lie, I have been feeling really shitty lately.  Generally just discouraged, lonely, confused, overwhelmed, anxious, etc.  My sleeping habits have been shit, my appetite has been, well strange…except for sweets, which I always crave.  I have been feeling this way for a while and have not reached any sort of conclusion or solution.  As I was sitting here playing “Heave Weapons” online (yes, its a Saturday night and I know I’m super cool), I kept getting more and more agitated and stressed as it was getting later and later and I was feeling worse and worse.  I realized that I have never quite felt this flavor of shitty before.  It’s frustrating, so frustrating because I feel like I can’t do anything about it as I sit and watch life change.  I thought to myself, I really understand why people drink.  I mean, I understood before but now I REALLY understand – willing to do anything just to make the bad feelings go away for a little while.   I assessed the situation and realized why I feel like this. 

I have always been sensitive to changes in my life.  Even little ones.  I don’t know why but they are really difficult for me, and I usually end up being upset about all kinds of things that are completely irrelevant instead of what is actually bothering me.  In the past year, there has been probably the most change I have ever had in my life.  My parents moved away, Ingrid moved away, Omi died, 3 of my best friends got engaged, I moved into my own apartment.  And I’m in grad school, which has kept me busy and somewhat stressed.  I feel like my entire support system – a huge chunk of people that are closest to me have abandoned me.  Not literally and definitely not on purpose.  Certainly I feel this way, but I know logically it is not true.  I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me and I can’t catch my bearings.  The people that I usually depend on for support are no longer there.  It is just so strange…I feel like this is almost an episode of the Twilight Zone.  You wake up from a dream only to discover that zombies have eaten your whole family.  Er, that’s what it feels like.  3 of my best friends are engaged…what the hell?  Since when have we been adults?  I want to go back to college and share an apartment again and have group nap time.  I want my friends to live in the same city!  And my family!  I want to have Mac n Cheese nights with Rob, I want to be blissfully unaware of the complexities of being an actual adult.  How does time go by so fast? 

Anyway, once I actually listed out all of these things, it’s no surprise that I feel the way I do.  I need to give myself some credit and realize that this has been such a crazy year, and it’s ok if I am still reeling from it.  I need to remind myself that I am on my own path, and it may not be the same path that my friends are on, but that’s totally ok.  I have worked hard to get where I am and I need to to learn to love myself and be my own friend until I can establish a new support system.  Also, my friends getting married is totally wierd, but it doesn’t mean that I have lost them.  Rob will no longer be the Will to my Grace but I hope our friendship can still stay strong.  My parents moving out to Woodstock just means they are a little farther away, but I can still visit.  I live alone, it’s an experience and I’m ready to not be so isolated again.  I will be ok, I AM ok.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

I still can’t believe Omi is gone.  I love you and I think about you every day.  I can’t believe it will be a year in October.  Ahh, now I can’t stop crying.  I remember you smiling and being healthy 🙂  You are still very alive in my heart. 

Yikes, it’s late again.  Not that I sleep anyway.  That sounded negative. 

One really awesome thing is New Kids on the Block Radio on Pandora.  Seriously.  That’s been the best thing of the past couple days, it’s amazing.  So is Mary, who blurts out “labia” in the middle of Barnes and Noble, and is one of the strongest and most hilarious people I know.  I’m glad she moved into my hood.  Oooooh, I bought a whoooole book of crossword puzzles!  I can’t wait to do them.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Whole Foods Boycott?!?!

August 19, 2009 at 3:03 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I have heard about the boycott of Whole Foods mostly through 3rd person anecdotes.  This Mackey guy seemed like a total ass so I thought I’d read his op ed for myself. 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204251404574342170072865070.html

What I was surprised to discover is that Mackey doesn’t really claim that only rich people deserve healthcare, which is what the boycotters claim.  He basically asks, who decides that healthcare is an intrisic right more so than food or shelter?  He then goes on to state that based on the Declaration of Independence and the Constituation, it is not a right, neither is food or shelter.  This is, in fact, true.  We have a right to “life” based on these documents.  Now obviously one thing to keep in mind is that there were no HMO’s or real health care back then, in the sense that we were still in the dark about modern medicine. 

Mackey spends a lot of the article using Whole Foods as a positive example of what a business should be, in relation to health care.  They have a high deductible insurance plan for employees that work 30 hours or over per week.  The annual deductible is $2500 and they have health savings accounts that employees can contribute up to $1800/year.  As someone who is a in favor of health care reform, and also as someone who has never reached a salary of $30k, this struck me as not really that great of a plan.  I mean, I use my insurance for long term medical conditions, and for things that come up such as sinus infections, random foot tumors, etc.  If I had to pay the out of pocket $2500/year before my insurance started to kick in, I would be absolutely screwed.  I imagine the employees at Whole Foods would be in a similar financial situation, as I don’t think they make bank as a cashier or stocker.  Mackey may be really proud of his health care plan, and if you’re lucky enough to never get sick or need antibiotics or have any pre-existing conditions or cavities then sure, it’s ok.  But if you’re like me and have even minor pre-existing conditions, the occasional sinus infection, a yearly gyne exam (women have to do this!), and an unforseen foot tumor while making Whole Foods wages, then you are going to struggle.

Mackey goes on to say that people should take personal responsibility for their health, that many people are overweight and eat unhealthy and smoke and drink too much which leads to all kinds of deadly diseases.  He says that if we take care of ourselves and eat right and exercise and eat foods that are dense with nutrients we can reverse those deadly diseases and live well into our 90’s or even past 100.  Yeah, Mackey, that’s a really nice idea.  I agree that people should definitely take responsibility for their own health and try to be as healthy as possible.  But, in reality, there are countless ailments that are not caused by anything the person does or doesn’t do.  An 18 year old girl who gets Leukemia, a 22 year old who has muscular dystrophy and then is hit with Hodgkins Lymphoma, a college student with epilepsy who has to take medication to control his seizures.  Essentially, my point is that most people can’t afford to pay for cancer treatments or even medication out of pocket, but does that mean that they don’t deserve treatment because they haven’t earned it?  Absolutely not. 

In conclusion, I think Mackey is delusional and trying to blow his own horn by talking about how wonderful Whole Foods is for its employees.  But, of course he’s delusional, he’s a CEO. 

Will I boycott Whole Foods because of this article?  Probably not.  I don’t shop there much because of the high prices anyway.

 

I also want to address one more thing that has been driving me crazy lately.  I have talked to many people who keep saying that there is no nutritional difference between organic and non-organic.  Some people claim that organic is all a scam.  Organic isn’t about nutrition you uninformed twits – it’s about eating food that is free from chemicals like pesticides or growth hormones.  It’s about drinking milk from cows that aren’t injected with Bovine Growth Hormone which causes them to increase their milk production and is then passed on to the consumer – the long term side effects for humans are unknown, but I personally don’t want to drink milk with cow steroids in it.  Nor do I want to eat peaches or apples that have been sprayed with poison to keep bugs away.  People say you can wash it off, but it’s poison!  I’d really rather not, thank you very much.  Just wanted to clear that up.

Permalink Leave a Comment

August 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm (Uncategorized)

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.  ~Attributed to both Jonathan Swift and Benjamin Franklin

“The tears that you spill, the sorrowful, are sweeter than the laughter of snobs and the guffaws of scoffers.”
Kahlil Gibran

  It started when I left Vegas that first time, skipping the hotel bill, driving off in that red convertible all alone, drunk and crazy, back to L.A. That’s exactly what I felt. Fear and loathing.

Hunter S. Thompson

Nobody knows what you want except you. And nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t get it. Wanting some other way to live is proof enough of deserving it. Having it is hard work, but not having it is sheer hell.

Engrave this quote in Our Store! | Rate this Quote! | Tell a Friend

Lillian Hellman

When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat,
Don’t waste tears on what might have been,
Just lie on your back and float.

Engrave this quote in Our Store! | Rate this Quote! | Tell a Friend

Anon.

It is not hard to live through a day, if you can live through a moment. What creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.

Engrave this quote in Our Store! | Rate this Quote! | Tell a Friend

André Dubus

“Women prefer emotions to reasoning”

 Marie Henri Beyle (Stendhal) quotes

    I Like this quote I dislike this quoteWomen wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.

 Henri Frederic Amiel quotes

 

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.  ~Jim Rohn

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.  ~Mark Twain

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.  ~Dale Carnegie

I need to get the hell out of here.  I hate it here.  I might go to Florida on Tuesday, not sure how long I’ll be gone.  I don’t have money but Oma will be there and beaches and haunting old memories…

Permalink Leave a Comment

thoughts buzzing about

August 14, 2009 at 5:00 pm (Uncategorized)

I have a million things floating around in my head – sometimes it helps to write it all down.

Scared of student teaching, but i can do it.  I will get through it.

Need to email Monica to ask her what grade I should do first so I can call the right teacher, also ask if teachers have emails since no one answers the phone at the school.

Have to send in copy of my tax form to cook county for the use tax.

RSVP to Ben’s wedding saying i cant come…i feel bad about it i really wanted to go but prices are way to high and i will be in the middle of student teaching.  I wonder if i should send a gift?  gift certificate?

somehow get my feet to look acceptable for the wedding.  There is still dirt that i cannot get off despite several showers and even swimming in a chlorine pool.  Wondering if I should go get a pedicure at the weird place, a different place, or just do one myself.  Got a groupon for a discount at a spa.  They do massages and also do chakra and energy reading.  goooooood i want to do that.  I need to find like a local spiritual center that does that for cheaper.  Anything to increase the relaxation and calmness in my life.

Batteries for my camera…trying to decide to wear my hair up or down for the wedding.  Maybe up since it will be hot and humid.  Dont know what looks better.

At some point i must go buy those new balance shoes the dr. recommended and check out that birkenstock store.  Maybe after my financial aid comes through.

Too vbad my parents live so far away the pool is awesome.  I wish i ould use it every day but staying there is slightly tortuous.

Edison Park fest t0night with Ingrid and Steve and Colleen – it will be good to see all of them.

Bad sleep last night.  had to take an ambien around 3 or 4 bc i was still awake.

Otherwise, excited for today and this weekend.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Good Song

August 7, 2009 at 12:59 am (Uncategorized)

“Little pieces” by Gomez…

I heard it awhile ago, and forgot about it.  I heard it again today and was reminded of it’s awesomeness, lyrically and musically. 

Nicole is going to be here any minute, and I just got the new Ikea catalog in the mail!  I suppose it doesn’t take much to excite me. 

There’s a piece of me you can’t have
And I know it’s driving you mad
There’s a part inside you can’t reach
I’m afraid that’s the way its gonna be
There’s a part of you that wants to fight
But I never really had the appetite
I fear my feelings wont speak
words are already taken upon the breeze
wind is always blowing

pieces falling from me
you can have them for free
now it felt so complete
pieces falling from me

though you try your best you never find
there are pieces that are left behind
last piece of the jigsaw
while the others are scattered across the floor
so you try to get them all up
there are pieces falling in the dust

there’s a pile of ash we don’t need
leave it to be taken upon the breeze
wind is always blowing

pieces falling from me
you can have them for free
now it felt so complete
pieces falling from me

all this background noise
its crowded
never tell
its half the reason why they’re there
its hard to make another plan

theres a fine line what you want and what you need
standing right there in between
never been there
never

la la la la la
la la la la la

la la la la la
la la la la la
laaa

pieces falling from me
you can have them for free
never felt so complete
never be what you need
something missing from me
that i’ll never complete
there the last ones complete
pieces falling from me

Permalink Leave a Comment

:)

August 4, 2009 at 3:51 am (Uncategorized)

No longer, no longer
What you ask
Strange steps
Heels turn black
The cinders, the cinders
They light the path
Of these strange steps
Take us back, take us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

No wonder, no wonder
Other half
Strange steps
Heels turn black
The cinders, they splinter
And light the path
Of these strange steps
Trace us back, trace us back

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

Flow sweetly, hang heavy
You suddenly complete me
You suddenly complete me

Hysteric, hysteric
Hysteric, hysteric
Hysteric, hysteric
Hysteric, hysteric
Hysterical

Permalink Leave a Comment