Ch ch ch ch changes…..

August 30, 2009 at 7:24 am (Uncategorized) ()

I’m not gonna lie, I have been feeling really shitty lately.  Generally just discouraged, lonely, confused, overwhelmed, anxious, etc.  My sleeping habits have been shit, my appetite has been, well strange…except for sweets, which I always crave.  I have been feeling this way for a while and have not reached any sort of conclusion or solution.  As I was sitting here playing “Heave Weapons” online (yes, its a Saturday night and I know I’m super cool), I kept getting more and more agitated and stressed as it was getting later and later and I was feeling worse and worse.  I realized that I have never quite felt this flavor of shitty before.  It’s frustrating, so frustrating because I feel like I can’t do anything about it as I sit and watch life change.  I thought to myself, I really understand why people drink.  I mean, I understood before but now I REALLY understand – willing to do anything just to make the bad feelings go away for a little while.   I assessed the situation and realized why I feel like this. 

I have always been sensitive to changes in my life.  Even little ones.  I don’t know why but they are really difficult for me, and I usually end up being upset about all kinds of things that are completely irrelevant instead of what is actually bothering me.  In the past year, there has been probably the most change I have ever had in my life.  My parents moved away, Ingrid moved away, Omi died, 3 of my best friends got engaged, I moved into my own apartment.  And I’m in grad school, which has kept me busy and somewhat stressed.  I feel like my entire support system – a huge chunk of people that are closest to me have abandoned me.  Not literally and definitely not on purpose.  Certainly I feel this way, but I know logically it is not true.  I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me and I can’t catch my bearings.  The people that I usually depend on for support are no longer there.  It is just so strange…I feel like this is almost an episode of the Twilight Zone.  You wake up from a dream only to discover that zombies have eaten your whole family.  Er, that’s what it feels like.  3 of my best friends are engaged…what the hell?  Since when have we been adults?  I want to go back to college and share an apartment again and have group nap time.  I want my friends to live in the same city!  And my family!  I want to have Mac n Cheese nights with Rob, I want to be blissfully unaware of the complexities of being an actual adult.  How does time go by so fast? 

Anyway, once I actually listed out all of these things, it’s no surprise that I feel the way I do.  I need to give myself some credit and realize that this has been such a crazy year, and it’s ok if I am still reeling from it.  I need to remind myself that I am on my own path, and it may not be the same path that my friends are on, but that’s totally ok.  I have worked hard to get where I am and I need to to learn to love myself and be my own friend until I can establish a new support system.  Also, my friends getting married is totally wierd, but it doesn’t mean that I have lost them.  Rob will no longer be the Will to my Grace but I hope our friendship can still stay strong.  My parents moving out to Woodstock just means they are a little farther away, but I can still visit.  I live alone, it’s an experience and I’m ready to not be so isolated again.  I will be ok, I AM ok.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

I still can’t believe Omi is gone.  I love you and I think about you every day.  I can’t believe it will be a year in October.  Ahh, now I can’t stop crying.  I remember you smiling and being healthy 🙂  You are still very alive in my heart. 

Yikes, it’s late again.  Not that I sleep anyway.  That sounded negative. 

One really awesome thing is New Kids on the Block Radio on Pandora.  Seriously.  That’s been the best thing of the past couple days, it’s amazing.  So is Mary, who blurts out “labia” in the middle of Barnes and Noble, and is one of the strongest and most hilarious people I know.  I’m glad she moved into my hood.  Oooooh, I bought a whoooole book of crossword puzzles!  I can’t wait to do them.

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