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April 14, 2011 at 4:00 am (Uncategorized)

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April 14, 2011 at 3:48 am (Uncategorized)

What is anxiety?  If you’ve ever had a panic attack, or been diagnosed with anxiety, I bet you could tell me when you first felt anxiety, and that your life changed forever.  Having anxiety goes way beyond the nervous feeling you had before the SAT’s.  I would much rather speak in front of a crowd of thousands than have a panic attack.  When you first have anxiety, it’s like seeing a new color.  Or tasting a completely new taste.

People that have never experienced anxiety simply can’t understand what it’s like.  Similar to how color blind people can’t see colors, the brains of the anxiety-free simply cannot understand what it’s like.

Anyway, anxiety is part of my life.  A big part, unfortunately.  it’s my “dark passenger”, as Dexter Morgan would say.

I’m going to take my blog in a new direction – I’m going to try to actually write, and share my life experiences with others.

Hope it doesn’t suck!

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November 15, 2010 at 7:30 pm (Uncategorized)

Why don’t you try to do without him, why don’t you try to live alone? Do you really need his hands for your passion? Do you really need his heart for your throne? Do you need his labor for your baby? Do you need his beast for the bone? Do you need to hold a leash to be a lady? I know that you can make it, you can make it on your own. –Leonard Cohen, “Why Don’t You Try”

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace. –George Bernard Shaw, “Heartbreak House”

The worst thing: to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love. –Joyce Carol Oates

Since you walked out on me
I’m getting lovelier by the hour.
I glow like a corpse in the dark.
No one sees how round and sharp
my eyes have grown
how my carcass looks like a glass urn,
how I hold up things in the rags of my hands,
the way I can stand through crippled by lust.
No, there’s just your cruelty circling
my head like a bright rotting halo.
–Nina Cassian, “Lady of Miracles”

Maybe there’s a god above
but the only thing I learned from love
was how to shoot at somebody who outdrew you.
–Leonard Cohen, “Hallelujah”

It must happen to everyone. The last time you make love, you can’t know it will be the last. –Joyce Carol Oates, “Summer Sweat”

This heart, a trapped and
wounded bird, gnaws off its leg
in twitching panic.


The Lord is close to those
whose hearts are breaking.

~ Psalm 34:18

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November 15, 2010 at 7:09 pm (Uncategorized)

If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you aren’t worth it.

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Bullying in school…from teachers?

October 26, 2010 at 4:26 am (Uncategorized) (, , )


Today I decided to start writing about my experiences at my school.  I just got moved into a room where the assistant teacher is a real bully and, as I just learned today, has chased away several teachers in the past.  Why no one has done anything about her is beyond me…oh wait, it’s a school, that’s way.  I wrote down some of my thoughts at lunch to help me not get so overwhelmed and anxious about work.  Here they are.

Other teachers think she is trying to push me out and I agree.  She already did all the lesson plans for this week – so glad I spent 2 hours on that last night.  She says she doesn’t like Halloween – she doesn’t believe in it because she’s a Christian.  (Insert ironic joke here)  She keeps a bible at school and reads it on her lunch break…in the rocking chair in the classroom, so I don’t get a break from her all day!  She does not act very Christian.  Ugh, she tells me “Don’t help them put their coats on, they can do it.”  They she says “You need to help them!”  Same with clean up time.  She says they can do it on their own.  And then “You can’t just stand there!  You need to help or else we’ll be here all day”


She talks to me like I’m a child.  She needs some xanax and a flask.  Oh wait, that’s me.  I need to figure out how to handle the school bully.  Without exacerbating it, and without letting it get to me.

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October 13, 2010 at 3:54 am (Uncategorized)

Life just doesn’t make sense sometimes.  Well, most of the time.  We spend our whole lives searching for meaning.  What kind of legacy do we leave behind?  Money?  Posessions?  What does all our hard work go towards?  Why do we struggle every day, day in and day out…for what?  Does it really matter?  Will today matter in 5 years?  Will someone else’s opinion matter down the road?  Will you even know that person?  Why do we do it?  Why do we get up everyday and deal with a bunch of crap?

Why is my boyfriend listening to Pink right now?

But anyway…what really matters in the end?  Says who?


Oma, I love you.  And I miss you.  And I think about you every day and imagine what you would say if I were telling you about my day.  You are not really gone, you are in my heart.  Oma, you have touched SO MANY people!!!!  You would be overjoyed and absolutely thrilled to know how many lives you touched.  Oma, do you even know how many lives you changed?  You made such a big impact on so many people.  You are my hero and I love you dearly and I will never stop loving you.  You made me who I am today.  You made me into the nurturing person I am – you are what made me want to go into teaching…because I wanted to give to others what you gave me.  You always gave and gave and gave… I cannot think of a time when I wanted anything from you.  Your love is a neverending gift.  My heart warms over and over- 28 years after I met you.  I would certainly not be the same person I am now if it weren’t for you.  You really shaped me…I pray that you know how much I love you.

We’ll be together again someday…eating a feast with Papa and Omi and everyone…we’ll all be there eating bread and delicious soup and dumplings.  I know you are there now, and I pray that you watch over me and guide me as I go through life.

Thank you for your neverending gift.

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Stupid monday

September 21, 2010 at 3:04 am (Uncategorized)

Booo…stressful day. I actually tried to overcome my grouchiness this morning and was upbeat for a short while until people were rude at work and then the day just went downhill from there. I tried to be happy and it’s so frustrating that it doesn’t last. I think it’s a combo of outside circumstance and a pattern of thinking. I definitely have an overactive anxious brain that seems to sabotage my mood. Trying to go to bed early bc I am exhausted.

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Last night here

September 4, 2010 at 3:37 am (Uncategorized)

I feel very fulfilled. Went through pictures for hours today and still more to go. I could keep going. The past few days with family have been amazing. Don’t want to go home yet.

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September 1, 2010 at 1:09 pm (Uncategorized)

Good morning Sarasota . Didn’t sleep well last night – dad snoring. Drinking hazelnut coffee and watching CNN. Going to plan the service today and lots of other business. Pray for grace and strength today.

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August 26, 2010 at 8:59 am (Uncategorized) ()

Why am I awake at this ungodly hour? Thinking about the hamster cage, the field trip and the new kids.
Want to sleep, hope I can.

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